Whole

What I write is trying to understand my own place in the world. How I see myself and how the outside world sees me. As a people with free thought, this should be something we practice should it not? I tend to take this to the most illogical places for most practices. So I try to understand what makes me "whole."

As a child, I sat on the divide between my house and the outside world. I would sit there to watch the rainfall hit the ground. How many rainy days did I do this? I can not remember. Though this is one of the earliest memories of my new life in Canada. Just sitting listening to the rain hit the pavement outside my door. It was like a veil was put upon the world darkening everything on the other side of this divide. Even now I struggle to understand why I would do it. The simple answer is that it was something new. The experience of seeing the world change around me just slightly. That I knew it would not last and that I might catch a glimpse of its end. Could most people just sit there to watch heavens shower without reason? It isn't very amazing. Not when humans continue to achieve more and more. In all the time I had watched it, I had never seen the end of these showers. At least I have no recollection of it. Though I must have someday.

As I continued to grow, this fascination had not left me. Seeing the rain hit the ground, smelling the damp air, hearing the muffled traffic whiz by blocks away. Everything that I looked for sitting on that divide seemed to be the same things I seek now. The wisdom of age has not given me the answers though. What was my childish mind trying to understand and why has it persisted for so long? The longer I think about it the more the answers seem to elude me. A quote from one of the Bruce Lee movies gets played in my head, "Like a fighter pointing to the moon... Don't concentrate on the finger or you will miss all that heavenly glory."

Maybe it is looking for something more divine than myself is what I seek. I cannot pretend to be a part of any religion. Growing up in a Christian household, religion was a major part of my life at the time. I went through the motions to make my parents happy. Going to Sunday school and then listening to the weekly sermons. Understand that while I do not belong to any religion, I do not decry peoples beliefs. It does no good for me to argue another's beliefs while I struggle to find my own. I can not deny the aura of divinity found around places of worship. Maybe this is what makes others whole.

So what is it that makes me whole? I have no answer.